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And I'm not sorry for the things I do...my brain is stuck from shooting glue [entries|friends|calendar]

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[22 Jun 2015|04:39pm]
[ mood | dead inside ]

I want to slit my throat.

My heart bleeds

finally....a nite out... [14 Sep 2007|12:44am]
[ mood | mischievous ]

I'm finally getting my ass out of the house tomorrow night...it's been about 5 months since I've gone a club or a bar or anywhere like that,so I'm going to QXTs to celebrate a friend's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY  maris_stella!!!! We will definitely be there tomorrow nite I promise!  =)  Anyhoo...yeah it's about time I have a good reason to go out with the girls one nite right?

My heart bleeds

my first entry back and it's song lyrics! [23 Aug 2007|10:14pm]
[ mood | content ]

You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need.
You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street,
you gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed.
And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight,
you gotta strike when the moment is right, without thinking.

And after a while you can work on points for style,
like the club tie and the firm handshake,
a certain look in the eye and an easy smile.
You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to,
so that when thy turn their backs on you,
you'll get the chance to put the knife in.

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder.
You know it's going to get harder, and harder and harder as you get older.
And in the end you'll pack up and fly down south,
hide your head in the sand,
just another sad old man,
all alone and dying of cancer.

And when you loose control, you'll reap the harvest you have sown.
And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone.
And it's too late to loose the weight you used to need to throw around.
So have a good drown as you go down, alone,
dragged down by the stone.

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused.
Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used.
Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise.
If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my own way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb and blind, you just keep on pretending
that everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend.
And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner.
And everything's done under the sun,
and you believe a heart, everyone's a killer.

who was born in a house full of pain,
who was trained not to spit in the fan,
who was told what to do by the man,
who was broken by trained personnel,
who was fitted with collar and chain,
who was given a seat in the stand,
who was breaking away from the pack,
who was only a stranger at home,
who was ground down in the end,
who was found dead on the phone,
who was dragged down by the stone

For those of you Pink Floyd fans,I recommend giving this album a listen. There's something about these lyrics that I really like alot,and it's kinda hard to get out of your head when you're not listening to it...

ps. sorry about the lack of an LJ cut...it's been so long since I used LJ I forgot how to use it...oops!

My heart bleeds

and this is what I get for opening my big mouth.... [22 Jan 2007|12:13am]
[ mood | impressed ]

My heart bleeds

here we are...the end of 2006... [25 Dec 2006|08:45pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

 So far '06 wasn't that shabby... read the links for more...

 The other day my boss comes up and asks to see me in his office,I'm thinking to myself,"what the fuck did I do wrong ?"...apparently he caught wind of the fact that I wasn't a happy camper and I was looking elsewhere for employment. He then asked me if I was happy and I told him that quite honestly I wasn't because there were girls not doing their jobs and I'm taking most of the slack (along with a few other hard workers like myself)and it wasn't fair. Then he told me he understood and that I was one of his best workers and he didn't want to lose me...the whole bit...so he said he'd straighten it out and then mentioned something about making more money...hmmm let's see where this leads to for a while.

Love-so far so good..been with L for a year and a half,nothimg more to say here that hasn't been said before..=)

In other news,well let's just say 2007 brings nothing but good health and happiness for everyone!

My heart bleeds

And so I throw the windows wide and call to you across the sky [01 Aug 2006|12:36am]
[ mood | peaceful ]

It's been so long since I've written anything here, but that's mostly because I write some in my Myspace blog..and other times I feel it's just not worth writing about. There is nothing really exciting going on in my life right now,I'm feeling "content" with L but still a little on the shy side when it comes to relationships. I'm very much in love with this person,but I still have that nagging feeling something will screw it all up...call me paranoid,but hey that's the way some relationships are. I can say this much, in the one year we've been together (well if you want to get technical almost 11 months of seriousness) we're at that stage where we can talk about things openly and honestly,but it's still new yet.  Some couples believe in holding some things back from each other for excitement purposes,I know I still hold back a bit. 

Change of subject...I'm giving it til December or early January at the most,the job hunt. I'm getting sick of being there lately, it's impossible to even think about facing another day. Believe it or not,the place has become very disenchanting to me. I was thinking about going to one of the hospitals near me and applying there for something like switchboard. It's something I'm good at in my opinion and it can work.

One thing to look forward to, I'm due for a vacation in early September...not sure what we're doing but I'm pretty sure it will be fun. Well I think I'm gonna go read or something...peace

My heart bleeds

how did this come about? *giggles* [05 Jun 2006|11:26pm]
[ mood | silly in love ]

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two areSoulmates
Your meeting was byFate
They are yourBest Friend
You are theirSweetheart
Your love willBe the epitome of what true love is
Quiz created with MemeGen!
1 Sing the sorrow| My heart bleeds

i kinda figured this was right! (well the percentage is a bit off) [11 Apr 2006|12:15am]
[ mood | amused ]

<td align="center">You are 80% stoner

You are a huge stoner. You are probably stoned right now. You like the constant escapism and brownies… yeah definitely brownies. Your motto “Whatever gets you through your life, it’s alright”

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>
3 Sing the sorrows| My heart bleeds

time to spew out all my thoughts...it could get ugly.. [06 Apr 2006|10:55pm]
[ mood | fuckin' BAKED! ]

Tonight was a pretty screwed up night...I don't know where to begin,but then again it's easy to say it all started at work this afternoon. Some of us got new keyboards to work on which is great,except well all some of the keys we use are named differently and switched around the keyboard,so it gets kinda confusing. Well I must have either hung up accidentally on people or I'd be so slow that I'm sure all my ring counts were over 9...whatever.

L and i made plans last night to meet tonight to go for coffee at Ero's,but 9pm came and went and he was a no show....highly unlike him. So after an hour of waiting (and thinking the worst) I went home to pop a percoset to soothe a bitch of a toothache I had all day. I got home and chilled out when L finally called to tell me he was at the recording studio and couldn't get to the phone...um yes I was pissed,but after talking to him I explained that he should have at least let me know beforehand if he wasn't able to make it. Of course we had a long talk about everything going on in our lives in general so everthing is fine.

I'm now at home with the bowl and downloading music...and in response to Blu's LJ....FUCK EM ALL!!! Do not take any shit from anyone trying to stand in the way of your happiness! Yes,you're 24 years old, in my book that means you're mature enough to do what you want with your life and not let anyone take it away from you.

3 Sing the sorrows| My heart bleeds

poem time..enjoy and comment if you wish [30 Mar 2006|09:49pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Woman-child very indecisive
Floundering in the murky waters of doubt
and maturity.
Are you thirty or thirteen?
Worldly or childlike on the inside?
Not quite too young and not yet too old.
Somewhere in this there's a middle ground
on which one can find common interests.
Youthfulness...such a lovely thing to possess.

This is a little poem I decided to write before I turned 30,because since I look nowhere near my age I often feel like I'm still a teenager sometimes.

4 Sing the sorrows| My heart bleeds

when are people going to take their heads out of their asses and FUCKING LEARN? [29 Mar 2006|10:49pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Just figured that I'd update since I have nothing better to do than sit here with my new red bowl and a cd that I just burned recently. But I'm also in a bitchy mood as I sit here and write all these rude and nasty thoughts that are going through my mind. One thing that's bothering the fuck out of me is someone who I'm trying to avoid keeps trying to be my friend again, but unfortunately for that person they fucked up so there is no way I can trust them again. But then again when have I actually "trusted" you? Anyway moving on...another thing that's pissing me off is when people get away with stupid bullshit in the office. Yes "office drama",our favorite topic yes? With the "office pet" comes and goes as she pleases regardless of anyone else in the place,the overweight whiny crybaby always complaining about being sick and her hours being cut...it goes on. I just wish I could say to these people "GROW THE FUCK UP!" and not worry about my job being in jeopardy. But unfortunately I can't exactly up and leave...I'll have to grin and bear it til something better comes along or when the managers decide to hire better people. It's endless and I really don't feel like writing about it anymore,it's depressing. But seriously,the amount of stupid assholes in this world is unbelievable (hence the title of this blog). So I think it's time to say night..and peace.

2 Sing the sorrows| My heart bleeds

and now it's time to be sappy... [22 Feb 2006|10:34pm]
[ mood | so happily deliriously in love ]

Alot of the time I've been right about certain aspects of relationships. Yes, I'm going to post this because quite frankly I'm bored and I have nothing else to do but sit here on my ass. Over the past 14 years I've finally realized I found the right person...again. I'm quite lucky if you think about it. The winter of '01 brought me someone who I considered a great friend,even though I was in an unsatisfactory living situation with an ex. L and I became very close often confiding in one another. Fast forward to the early fall of '02 when I met T,the one person I fell in love with at first sight. Neither one of us had an idea that something unfortunate would happen in less than 2 years,but whatever time we did have together I'll always cherish in my heart. It's one thing to fall in love a first sight at a club and it being somewhat of a "whirlwind",then another entirely to fall in love with someone that you've known for a long time. I have nothing but good feelings about L,he's older,more mature than my previous "experiences",he puts my needs ahead of his own (which is nice,even though I don't make demands anyway),I can confide in him and that's important. We're hoping to find a nice studio somewhere in a good area together,I mean it's the logical step,yes? We always want to be together and me spending weekends there is not enough...but I won't complain,because there are times when I want to do my own thing,whether it's chilling with my sister and V who is a really cool chick,or just going to the bookstore. Oh I'm yapping too much again...peace!

1 Sing the sorrow| My heart bleeds

a not-so-sappy V-day [14 Feb 2006|09:35pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

Today was a pretty non eventful Valentine's Day, for starters I had to work,come home to dishes piled in the sink,no dinner and no money til tomorrow (no wonder I want to destroy something right now..grrr!) In other thoughts...I've been thinking about my past V Day adventures and in the past 14 years I've been in relationships,I've realized it doesn't take flowers or candy or any of those monetary things that some women can't do without to make me happy. 2/14/03 for instance was spent at St Vincent's Hospital with Ted when he had a nasty cut on his hand that got infected,the following year I was at my folks house minus T because he didn't have the funds to travel to NJ,but told me to go because it's also my parent's wedding anniversary anyway. But those memories are put back on the top shelf so to speak,hard to reach purposely. So let's change the subject...

Love life-going great with L,I have good feelings about this! *heehee*

Work-same old drama,as I once said on my MySpace blog "it's like a reality show sometimes". I'm there to work my 8 hour shift and bring home the bucks that's about the long and the short of it.

Life-well...I'm 30 (looks half that!)above the ground breathing and experiencing life and making every day an adventure,so yeah I'm still here...no seriously see above answers *duh*

So that wraps up yet another spewing of my thoughts...peace to all of you!

3 Sing the sorrows| My heart bleeds

As I traveled through my turbulent 20s I somehow found 30 to be fun so far... [24 Jan 2006|11:42pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Wow! This is going to be one fun decade I can tell ya! Here's a little idea of what transpired this weekend:


i wish i could go back in time...Collapse )

3 Sing the sorrows| My heart bleeds

just my rambling....pay no mind...really [06 Jan 2006|01:26am]
[ mood | complacent ]

In these next few weeks I'll be saying farewell to my 20s and will be saying hello to a whole new decade. It has been a very bumpy ride with incidents and experiences that made me want to look forward to hitting 30. The funny thing is that I still look (and feel) like I'm 18 (well maybe younger)...L and I had an embarassing incident that took place only last week while walking home from the local McD's. We were just moseying our way down a quiet dark street talking when from out of nowhere these bright lights shone from behind us,that turned out to be from a cop car! I'm thinking "ohh shit,what's going on?" when the cop got out of the car and asked why were out so late? L and I looked at each other and said it wasn't late and were were out eating and now we were on our way home. The cop took one look at me (my hair was loose,no makeup,AFI purse,jeans and black shoes) and must have thought I was jailbait because HE ASKED HOW OLD I WAS!? I just looked at him blankly and said "pushing 30...why?". He then asked for ID (which I had no problem handing over) and studied it intently and then commented that I must have been used to people asking me about my age! LOL Um yeah it happens alot,especially since I'm only barely 5'0. Anyway onto better subjects, I'm planning something really cool for my upcoming birthday which is on the 23rd of this month (so what are ya'll getting me? j/k!) I'm not sure what I want to do or where I want to go,but I do know that the 2 days I took off for my birthday I'm going to be spending it with someone special...more on that later.
I have to say I have some positive thoughts about this year and I'm going to try like hell to make my dreams come true (well ok that's extreme) but it'll happen eventually right?

My heart bleeds

new poem [02 Jan 2006|10:58pm]
[ mood | creative ]

I fell under the spell you cast upon me
when all the while it was where I wanted to be.
By twist of fate we reunited and it's a dream
so precious and sweet.

Forever I can feel,once in a lifetime deal
Dance til dawn,conversations over cups of coffee
at the diner in the town of memories new.

A little something I wrote for someone special in my life....

My heart bleeds

HAPPY '06!!!! [02 Jan 2006|11:49am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Just a quickie for all you crazies out there since I have to leave for work in a few...New Years Eve was spent with L at his place since the weather turned out to be really shitty and we didn't want to pay any outrageous cover charges for the bars in the area,but we had a good time anyway just sitting there with a bottle of Nando and a J and watching the ball drop on TV. Yesterday we woke up around 2pm and chilled out for the day (actually wasting the day,but that's another story) and talking. I'll tell you,for someone who only had 3 hours of sleep last night (well this morning actually!) I feel ok if not a little melancholy,saying goodbye to what actually turned out to be a pretty damn good year! I'll write more about this later on when I have the time,lately I haven't been feeling like I want to write in a blog anymore but maybe I'll post some poetry on here tonite...peace!

My heart bleeds

*peeks out* yep,I've been away for a while... [30 Dec 2005|09:59pm]
[ mood | high as a kite...and happy ]

This has been a crazy holiday season what with me having to work a graveyard shift on Christmas Eve (of course I had gotten ZERO sleep since I had company but I'm not complaining!),coming home on Christmas morning to have some "fun" heehee...then we slept all day. I'm still making plans for New Years Eve,but both L and I haven't been able to come up with fun yet inexpensive ideas,and that's odd because we're both VERY creative! My sister and I debated over getting a cheap motel room to have friends over to party the night away,but that's out. I think I'll just hang with L because,well,quite frankly he's who I want to be with. Anyway,let's cut the sappy stuff eh? (well maybe not...) work is there,I'm still slaving away at the answering service but making money so I can't exactly complain. As much bitching and moaning I do about the place,I have to say I enjoy the job because of the people I work with. Now change of subject shall we?


I've been doing alot of writing lately,poems,stories, and such. Maybe one day when I'm not feeling lazy (or when this computer doesn't act up) I'll post some of my poems here,although some are already. Most of them are open to interpretation,but they're simple and I don't go crazy with metaphors like some writers tend to do. What's hard to figure out may seem easy to others,but that's creativity. It's supposed to be anything you want. Anyway enough rambling for one night....I wish you all a great 2006....hell knows, maybe this will be the year everyone can happier/healthier.....peace!

3 Sing the sorrows| My heart bleeds

yep as I slip into a pleasant atmosphere,my fingers can't stop typing.... [09 Dec 2005|11:48pm]
[ mood | high ]

This is a little poem idea I whipped up a few weeks ago that I only let certain people read,yet I think I'll expose to others...

Planet Death

Buildings burn, the sky aglow with
the red the people bleed from being
blown to smithereens.

Is there no escape from this hell
on earth? Man,woman and child all
scurrying on frozen feet,but there
is no where to turn.

Dead end after dead end of remnants
of what used to be and what would have
been is no more.

Planet of all kinds of life now
destroyed by something colossal
and unstoppable.

originally written 11/24/05

My heart bleeds

I just love new beginnings, it makes me smile so... *insert big stupid grin* [18 Nov 2005|01:16am]
[ mood | happy ]

It's been quite a while since I've written anything here,but that's because I also hitched a ride on the proverbial Myspace bandwagon,if you wish to see mine my username is CxntCandy.

Everything is going great in a oh-so-happy-yay-people can puke way...For the most part it seems as things are going according to plan with work,increasing as many hours as I can,making money (yay!),I'm also on a cloud lately when it comes to my weekends where I spend it with someone who's on the same page as me. There is alot I can get into but I choose not to because I don't want to jinx it,if you will. L is awesome company and I always have a fun time when chilling with him. Last weekend we spent it outside since the weather was actually decent for a change. But that's another story...

Typical "office drama" still exists in my workplace,but I'm only there to do two things,do my job and get paid! Even though it's a boring place with nothing but stupid people to deal with on a daily basis,it gets quite entertaining at times I have to admit.

Well I think it's off to bed...I need to dream of someone the person who totally rocks my world! Peace...

My heart bleeds

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